It’s early but, if you switch on the TV, you’ll start to see adverts for Christmas. With Christmas, comes Toy Appeals. This piece is written by Caz in a personal capacity.

I sit in a strange position. I have spent the previous twenty years of my life working for welfare charities, including women’s refuges and homeless shelters. When Harry was born, I suddenly found myself needing help and support and became a receiver of charity as well as a giver of charity.

Harry’s first brain surgery took place just a few days before Christmas. It truly was the worst and most heartbreaking time of my life. It was also an intensely private time, in which we felt vulnerable and had a short space to try and come to terms with our new normal.

Whilst Harry was recovering from surgery, in a hospital where staffing was clearly stretched and the ward shower didn’t work, we were visited by Father Christmas and his band of helpers. They merrily handed out expensive and brightly wrapped presents. Now, spoiler alert, we took the gifts so I can’t pretend I am beyond reproach.

I do, however, have some thoughts about Toy Appeals. Having been on the receiving end of one, I saw the joy of those giving gifts. I also believe that giving these gifts is a privilege and not a right. So, I’ve found myself asking, who benefits from these appeals the most?

• Who is it about? Whilst we all love giving gifts, consider the real need. A recent survey by the NCVO showed that as many 1 in 5 charities could be forced to stop operating this winter due to costs. Although a bright shiny toy is nice, you may have more of an impact by making a donation to the charity on which a child relies. In this way, you could help ensure the services a child need are there for them in 2024.
• Consider the size. When I worked for a women’s refuge, people often donated huge toys at Christmas; toys which the abused parent could rarely match. When the Mum and her children we able to move on, they usually did so on a low income and, as such, refuges usually have a policy of giving gifts up to a certain value so that parents can then match these in the future. If you do decide to donate a toy, it’s worth considering the impact that the toy could have on a parent as well as on a child.  
• Often, the parent’s choice has been taken away by the circumstances in which they find themselves. Make sure they know what is being given to their child and make sure they can choose whether what you give is appropriate for their child. They are the expert. Only they know what their child has been through and whether your gift will be appropriate for them. What we think may be ‘appropriate for a 9-year-boy’ may not match with their circumstances. So, don’t wrap it. Then the parent can choose whether it’s something they’d like their child to have.
• Consider where and how you are giving out the gifts. This includes thinking about the privacy, or lack thereof, and the issues that people are facing. Father Christmas came to visit us at Harry’s bedside, just after his first surgery. I was much more worried about whether Father Christmas had washed his hands, and about Harry being exposed to unnecessary germs, rather than the toy he was getting. It was also a very private time and the joy of those handing out gifts was completely at odds with the despair we were feeling.
• Be sensitive about photographs. Many of the people receiving the gifts are facing the most challenging time of their lives. Poor Father Christmas was sent packing when he asked me for a picture. I was simply too traumatised to want to participate. I was also really worried about my other children at home being cared for by relatives, and whether Father Christmas going to make it to them too this year.  A photograph was a definite no! If you are giving out gifts, really understand what you might see. It can feel really wrong, for everyone, if you turn up unprepared. Be that the Intern who just looked terrified when Harry was in hospital and offered us a bar of chocolate (he was eight weeks old!), or the loud very wealthy group who came when I worked for a women’s refuge. Take a moment to be thoughtful about the environment you’re about to walk into.

Ultimately, I wonder whether it’s more important that services which can help people though the worst of times can be there for the long haul. Maybe it is not about buying a toy for a child of specific age but, instead, using the money amount to give to a charity without the fanfare. In any event it is about asking and not assuming that a gift really is the kindest option.